Dear You (know who you are),
Last time I needed to escape the hold you had on me I moved to the other side of the country. Little did I know, it wasn’t far enough. If you read this, I wanted to let you know I am leaving the country, in hopes of escaping this feeling. I’d like to believe the globe will be big enough, seeing as America was not.
I had never really considered anywhere other than Japan or Thailand for teaching abroad, but after posting my resume I’ve been contacted by numerous organizations and this morning I received this one….
“We are proud to be able to place teachers with only the most reputable private academies and public schools. We negotiate the highest pay possible for you and find you the best in accommodations which includes nice free apartment housing and free airfare.We’re impressed with your achievements so we would like to offer you a future job in Taiwan Academy.”
Recently, I’ve been dwelling on a lost friendship, and more or less, self imposed heartache. I’ve been associating love with hurt and loss for such a long time, that until tonight I forgot that love stands alone. It is not meant to be wound so tightly with emotions that darken the soul. Love should be innocent, should be genuine. Love should be pleasurable. In missing him I’ve let love lost become a source of unconditional discomfort. Guilt has manifested itsself in countless dreams and apologies are useless and a waste of time. It became too often that I was telling someone I love that “I’m sorry.” While we make mistakes, love should never be this apologetic. I’ve been agry at love, because I wasnt able to show him how much I cared. I was angry and resentful towards relationships because I couldn’t act like an adult and commit to the one I wanted to be in. I couldn’t truly let my guard down in order for my own relationship to work. I kept weaving love with negative emotions and negative behavior as a way to protect myself from letting someone hurt me. And then, tonight, I was reminded of what love really is. Of all the things I forgot. It’s respect. It’s honesty. It’s cherishing that person more than anything. It’s loving yourself fully so that you are able to love the other fully. It is trust. It is happiness. It is smiling because you know they’ll always be there for you. They are not just the person you love, but they are your rock. They are your gravity as much as they are the one who gets you high. They are your best friend. When I thought of love tonight, for the first time in a long time, it made me smile. The heart heals in the most remarkable ways.
By the end of today my resume will be posted on a job board for international jobs, and my application for a government background check will be submitted so that I can move to Japan.
Excitement hardly begins to describe what is coming.