And there is gold, falling from the ceiling of this world

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A Glimpse of the Randomness I Call Life

Kawaii

Their mustache obsession

Jo giving Holly her going away cake. Jo is the most incredible cook and baker, and she is always bringing in treats for everyone. So sweet.

The girls at dinner

Practicing for myspace

Me- “Why do you have this in your purse?” Christine- “Oh, I was teaching a lesson on American stereotypes.” Brilliant

No doing… aerobics? High kicks?
I am going to own this.

Group dinner. Love love love these people..



K idnapping little animals and kissing them. Nothing new for me….

Van Racing Team… seriously?

Cook it yourself style dinner
Ashley and Max- Container

Restaurant Kitty

American Beauty

“It’s hard to stay mad when there is so much beauty in the world. Sometimes I feel like I’m seeing it all at once, and it’s too much- my heart fills up like a balloon that is about to burst. And then I remember to relax and stop trying to hold on to it. And then it flows through me like rain, and I can’t feel anything but gratitude, for every single moment of my stupid little life.”

Promises

To harbor so much resentment and anger towards an individual just shows how incapable a person is of admitting how much someone meant to them, and how badly they have been hurt.

Forgiveness can set you free.

The Sun The Moon The Stars, You Are

During a car ride this morning one of my best friends and I discussed the L word. You know the one. We discussed falling in and out of it, and the pain and joy it brings. The way it can collide two worlds, only to one day be replaced by a necessary distance.

The most difficult thing I’ve had to come to terms with recently is letting the one I loved go. More than that, I have had to  find it in my own heart to know that someone else makes him happy now, and thats ok. That if I really ever loved him then his happiness is also mine. To actually feel this way, rather than just telling myself I feel this way, has been a challenge for my own heart.

Being in love and making a relationship work is tricky, because we all define it differently. For me, loving someone has always meant unconditional forgiveness. There is nothing that I can’t look past or work through when I love someone. My friend described her idea of love as unconditional selflessness. That she always puts the other before her, even if it means huge compromises on her behalf, where she struggles and he gains. I’m discovering that maybe the only way a relationship can work long term, is when both people have a similar idea of what love is, and how you treat the person you love.

Finally being single and having my life back to myself is a breath of fresh air. There is a rediscovering to be done, and a lot of time for self improvement. It’s nice to feel my identity apart from him reemerging, and to find myself thinking differently than I have in years. The gears are turning to a different rhythm. My heart is beating in a new pattern. For the first time in a very very long time my happiness is completely dependent upon myself and that is the most liberating feeling. I am living for me, and pursing what I want in life, with no restraints.

Recently, I’ve also had to come to terms with the fact that words will fail me. That I won’t always be able to tell someone how my heart feels. That sometimes the unobtainable is just that. An acceptance of missed timing in crossed paths. A letting go of imagined what ifs. But even then, there is beauty in missed opportunities. There is a space for a different type of relationship to blossom.

Of Monsters and Men

Well, maybe I’m a crook for stealing your heart away
And maybe I’m a crook for not caring for it
Yeah, maybe I’m a bad, bad, bad… bad person
Well, baby I know.

And these fingertips
Will never run through your skin
Those bright brown eyes
Can only meet mine across the room
Filled with people that are less important than you

‘Cause you love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love
You love, love, love
When you know I can’t love you

8 Days

It’s been over a week since I’ve spoken to the person that was closest to me for the past few years. I had to stop talking to him in order to move on with my life. I knew that as long as we were still around one another I would remain paralyzed in moving forward. Moving on without him. The only way I was able to finally committ to going abroad was because I seperated myself from him.
This past week my mind has been spinning. Spinning with all the memories of good and bad. All the chances we gave one another. All the times we fell in and out of love. All the times we built one another up to only knock eachother down.
No matter how angry I  am with him at first, it always fades, only to be replaced with how much I can miss someone.

Almost Done

I am notorious for starting things and then never finishing them. Most of the time when I start a canvas I will do the sketch, fill the picture in about half way, post it some where in my room, and then proceed to stare at it for the next few months without touching it.

This particular canvas I started a very long time ago, and I have worked on it bit by bit over the last three years (in my defense I left it at home during part of college, in DC and in Tahoe). Each time I’ve worked on it it has changed, and my style and the details have evolved. As I’ve come close to finally finishing it,  I realize that in someways it is a self portrait. It is a reflection of the person I have been since starting it.

Often, when you are in a relationship, your identity begins to fuse with that of the person you are dating. You come to know yourself as the person you are with them. Subconsciously, I think I began to let this portrait reflect the different sides of me that arose during my relationship. The different dimensions of who we can become. While the person I loved brought out the dreamer in me, he also brought out a nightmarish side.

This canvas was made with him in mind. With me in mind.

A self portrait of the person I am leaving behind. My own identity, without him, I am beginning to find.