They Couldn’t Think of Something To Say The Day I Burst

There is this song that always makes me think of him when I hear it. This guy, who I fell in love with the day he sat down a few seats ahead of me in class. I did everything I could to talk to him. He was the most handsome man who had ever walked into my life. As the months passed our relationship progressed and it scared the hell out of me how much I liked him. The first time I told him I “I love you,” was the first time he had ever told a girl he loved her. I had all of his trust. I knew this from the start. I knew if I wasn’t careful I would break him. His heart.

He was one of the best friends I have ever had. He was the only person I have ever wanted to be with. And I have always been scared of him. Scared of how intensely someone can love another. Until I met him I have never experienced that.

It’s been months now since we have talked. I traveled the world to escape him. And yet, I failed. Your heart can never escape lost love. But even more, your soul can never escape a guilty conscience.

I miss him. More and more and more.

There was this day, on a couch, that we spoke of moving to Thailand together. That day I told him that I didn’t think it was a good idea.

“Why Allie?” He asks.

I look out the window, avoiding his gaze. “I think I just need my time. I need to get to know myself.”

Now that I am doing just that, nine months after our conversation, I realize how much his presence here would have made this experience. Words are impossible to take back. Mistakes are even more impossible to move past.

You never realize what someone meant until you have lost them.

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